Dear Trans People, Please Allow Me to be Your Ally
A letter from a would-be supporter...
On the off chance you haven't heard - June is “Pride Month” and so in addition to there being rainbows on pretty much everything for the next few weeks (including churches and corporate advertising), there will be many events taking place in our communities that will attract some people - and repel others.
To listen to the news media you'd get the impression that there are thousands (nay, millions) of Canadians that are dead-set against love, acceptance, diversity, equity, and inclusion. These people are apparently hate-filled bigots and would think nothing of curb-stomping small children while they rip the rainbow flags from their pathetic little fingers.
Reality check: very few people are against any of these things. And here's another news flash for you: pretty much everyone believes people need affirmation and love. And no, the Pride movement didn't invent these concepts any more than the hippies did in the sixties, even though at the time, I'm sure they thought they did.
Being of a somewhat libertarian bent, I'm very conscious of the importance of free speech (even speech I don't like or agree with). I'm very much pro-choice, in the sense that as grownups, we need to be allowed to decide for ourselves the best way forward, even if it's complete lunacy to the rest.
I think every person should have the freedom to live the way they want to live, but I make all these assertions with one big qualifier: that none of these things result in harm to another person.
I realize there is a wide spectrum of opinion here, and not everyone will see it quite like I do, but with mutual respect I'm confident we can still live together in relative peace and harmony.
As Pride month kicks off, regardless of which side you find yourself perched, and regardless of where the real truth lies, it should at least be obvious to all that there is a serious tension and a real frustration with the way things are - from both sides of this house. So, with that in mind, here is my letter to the flamboyant would-be heralds of the new age:
Dear Trans people, please allow me to be your ally.
Dear Trans folk, in the interest of the freedom that we both yearn for, please help me understand why being an ally means giving up so much of what I know to be fact.
Help me understand why being your ally is such an all-or-nothing proposition.
I'd like very much to support you in your desire to call yourself any name you choose. I'm totally fine with you wearing any kind of clothing you desire, but I’m absolutely not okay with the schools teaching my kids that there are multiple genders available for the taking, when I know for a fact there are only two, so is this a deal-breaker?
Although I most definitely am fine with you taking any name you like, but the language I've spoken my entire life is very clear that “they” and “them” are not used to refer to a singular individual. Must I now change the way I speak and understand my own language if I would like to support you?
Yes, I really am totally okay with you dressing like a woman, even though you may have different “equipment” than any woman I know, but I still don't want you changing in the same room my daughter changes in (on account of said equipment). Does this mean we’re done? Does this now make me a “transphobe”?
I saw this meme the other day:
First of all I definitely must concur that it is not okay if a teenager (or anyone else for that matter) is contemplating suicide. Obviously if someone is thinking along these lines, they really do need help. But it seems this has now become a common thing to say to parents of trans youth who are considering sexual reassignment surgery as in, “Would you rather have a new son, or a dead daughter?” Given that the vast majority of gender dysphoric youth turn out to be gay if left to resolve on their own, is this question not somewhat misleading, if not downright dishonest and coercive? Am I not welcome as an ally if I hold this opinion?
Dear Trans people, I realize how important it is for you to have equal opportunity to participate in society, and sports is one of those great institutions. It would be wrong to ban you from being able to be partake in something like that. But shouldn't my daughter also be able to compete against her peers fairly without fear of someone so much bigger, stronger, and more muscled coming in and obliterating her chances of success? If I don't support you in that, am I unworthy to help you in other areas?
Again I must return to the language issue, since it's such a huge part of what I do as a writer. While I wholeheartedly support you looking and dressing however you like (as I've already stated), am I now also supposed to accept that “a transwoman is a woman” without qualification even though I've known what constitutes a woman my entire life? Am I supposed to discard these biological realities simply because you feel that I should? And if I'm unable to do that, does that make me unfit for a position of allyship?
Yes, there are some significant disagreements here, to be sure, but do these disagreements constitute “hate”? It seems like this has even alienated many of your brothers and sisters in the gay and lesbian community and spawned groups like the LGB Alliance. What am I to do about them? Can I still support my friends in this community if I wish to be a Trans ally?
This weekend saw another protest in Ottawa. Although the idea for this protest was discussed back in April, I believe the spark that really got this one going now was when the Ottawa-Carlton District School Board announced that all their teachers would begin referring to all students as "they/them" as a default and that opting out of “2SLGBTQ+ learnings” is not an option.
I understand that you feel you have a right to be referred to in a way that makes you comfortable, but what about every other child in school? Should they not have that right as well? Does it really make sense that the “default” would be set to accomodate a tiny minority rather than the majority? If this upsets me in any way, then will you still accept me as an ally?
It really was bizarre to see how this story was being covered. According to the mainstream reporting, it was all transphobes, haters, and white supremacists protesting “gender ideology” in the schools. They spoke of several arrests, but they didn't seem to know who it was that got arrested.
It seemed hard to believe that there were so many nasty people in one place.
It's a good thing there were journalists on the ground who were able to get the real story because we then found out that far from it being a gathering of white supremacists, it was actually a pretty good cross section of Canadian society - Christians and Muslims, blacks and whites, moms and dads and kids. Kinda like those who showed up at the Freedom Convoy. The sad thing is that it was really the counter protesters (those who were advocating for gender ideology in schools) who were the instigators of violence. They were the ones who were mainly white, and presumably trans as well.
Am I to believe from these reports that once again, I am the problem? That when our national news media and certain politicians call out a crowd like this as “trans-phobes and white supremacists” and refer to it as a “hate rally” that they are speaking of me? As much as I want to be a supporter of freedom and liberty for all, does this not automatically disqualify me from such a task?
I keep hearing on the news how transphobia is on the rise in Canada and judging by the recent reports out of Ottawa, it seems like it must be true. But with so many actions (and inactions) being now redefined as “hate speech”, how can it be otherwise?
It seems like every other day there are more demands that seem completely unreasonable and untenable. The more these demands increase, the more unlikely is the average person to be able to agree with them, and - the more transphobes and hate speech we will see. Again, it comes back to how you define the words.
And this is really the crux of the issue: parents are tired of schools telling them what’s best for their kids. This protest was not a protest against Trans people - it was against weak and pathetic leaders who refuse to recognize and stand up for the vast majority of their students. It was parents reminding the schools of where their priorities should lie - and of who they work for.
These parents are standing up for their kids. Does that disqualify them from standing up for trans kids? Is it really an either-or situation?
Remember my one qualification about not hurting anyone? I can't help thinking of all the gender dysphoric kids that are being admitted to the hospital for “top and bottom” surgery and prescribed puberty blockers and sterilization drugs even though as I said, the vast majority of these kids will resolve their issues as they progress through puberty and discover that they are in fact gay. I think it's pretty evident that sterilization drugs and genital mutilation is doing serious harm to these kids. Is it even possible for me to support you if I refuse to accept this? How much of this is a part of who you really are? And who's to blame? Is this all the fault of the doctors? Or is it the law makers? Or is it a mandate of the movement itself? Many gays and lesbians are afraid it's the latter.
Disagreeing with your position is not hate, nor is questioning the validity of those who make questionable statements, but classifying these things as “hate speech” automatically disqualifies me from being an ally, does it not?
You’re allowed to be who you are, and no one is stopping you - not even those who disagree with you. Like I said, most people don’t even care - they just want to be able to live their lives in peace. Just like you do.
You can be proud of who you are, and if others don't appreciate that, then that's fine - it still shouldn't stop you from pursuing it if that’s what you want to do. Most of us will be absolutely fine with that as well.
But if your requirements are that we all need to fully agree with you on every single point; if it's really an all-or-nothing game; and if these serious harms are not addressed, then I'm sorry, but you have effectively disqualified a good portion of your potential supporters, and I for one will be forced to have nothing to do with it.
Further reading on BlogOfKen:
As usual, Ken, spot on. I just find it a bit sad that we dedicate a month to sexual preference but only a day for those who gave their lives for our freedom.
One thing this piece should be commended for is that you included an example. This is refreshing, as most of the time when we come across these types of opinions, we have no idea where it comes from...it’s just word salads about pronouns and changing rooms, accompanied by hyperbole and hysteria (which this piece also avoids).
BUT, I think the example you have given really shows what an absolute nothing burger this whole issue is, in my view. An email was sent by someone at a school in Ottawa suggesting the idea of addressing students as ‘they/them’ during pride month? I mean, really? This is the most pressing issue on people’s minds? Doesn’t this seem like extremely diligent reactionary outrage farming?
That’s what I take from this, anyway.
The other thing is that, in my experience, trans people don’t prefer ‘they/them’ pronouns. All the trans people I’ve met simply use the pronouns related to the gender to which they’d like to be referred. That is, ‘he/him’ or ‘she/her’. ‘They/them’ is used by non-binary, or more commonly by people who wish to destigmatize the idea of non-binary identity, as a statement of solidarity with non-binary community. I too, find the ‘they/them’ pronouns to be a silly idea, but I’ve literally never been asked to use them. How often are you confronted with this problem?